The reality of it is cancer's a bitch. It ruined my year... well, my life.
I had a baby girl almost a year ago. She'll be a whole year old in four days. I'll be having chemo in four days. I should be at home getting ready for my baby girl's first birthday party, but instead she'll be at home with her grandpa while I'm in the hospital getting poisoned.
I haven't been able to do the normal things that new mummies do with the baby girls. I did, for two and a half months. Then my whole world fell apart. It should have been over by now - the lung cancer "fight" should have been over by now.
I should be able to take my baby daughter swimming. I should be able to take my little girl on a bike ride.I should be able to walk better than my wobbly little toddler girl can.
Instead, I'm almost confined to a wheelchair now thanks to my lumpy pelvis. And I can't go swimming due to risk of infection.
I can't be left alone with her at the moment in case anything happens and I can't help her.
I can't even keep my own baby girl safe.
No one can even begin to imagine how that feels.
And aside from the reality of that, there's everyone else - my dad, whose life has been put on hold to look after me; my baby's daddy, who has given up his life for a year to look after me; my friends, who give up on normality to look after me... basically, all the things people do and don't do to look after me.
I shouldn't be being looked after! I'm 26 years old! I'm an adult, for goodness sake! Why is my dad looking after me!? Why, on certain days, do I have to be lifted in and out of the bath by my baby girl's daddy? Why do I struggle to walk to the toilet on my own on a bad day?
It's not fair.
That's not to mention the love I've missed out on.
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