Beginning of the end...?

I'll warn you now, this post won't be pretty. I'm angry and I'm raging and I'm all messed up inside this afternoon.

I woke up ok this morning. Well, ok compared to now. It's World Book Day and my little step-son has gone to nursery dressed up. He was so excited he cried when he left... he wanted to take his little sister into nursery with him and she wanted to go, which kinda broke my heart, but it's nice to know they like each other, I guess.

But the day's gone downhill from then. I'm still in bed - it's gone three o'clock in the afternoon and I haven't climbed out of my bed yet. Or, more accurately, been lifted out of my bed.

I've just spent a week in hospital struggling with coughing up blood and whatever else was in my stomach. I had a couple of different treatments but I don't think I feel much different.

My lung tumour is being a bastard. It won't respond to the radiotherapy. It won't play nice. I hate it. It's what's making me ill.

And the tumour in my head, it's making me do stupid stuff. I can't lift my right arm properly, so I can't lift my baby girl up. My right leg doesn't do what I try to tell it to do. I'm so fucked off with myself. I get so angry - I just want to be able to do what I know my brain is telling my body to do.

I don't remember things. I'm writing some things down so I don't forget I've done them or I don't forget to do them. I'm so frustrated.

I feel like I hate everyone. I envy them all - my family and extended family, walking around with ease and chatting away without stumbling over words and repeating themselves like some fucking old woman with dementia... I hate them for it. I don't want them to be ill, but I don't want to be ill either. I just want them all to fuck off and stop rubbing it in my face. I'm too angry and jealous. I know I'm being horrible - here and in real life - but I just want everyone to leave me alone, for their sakes. I think it's working with some people, and that's good. It's what I want.

It's not fair. It's just not fair anymore. I feel like I don't want to do this, I can't do this. I want it to happen quickly now to stop me feeling so pathetic and to make the pain go away.

I just can't fucking do it now.