I've started this post a million times and always run out of words. I've started it this way for at least the last half dozen times. Sometimes I've got to here and stopped under a flood of tears, while other times I've got almost to the end only to be interrupted by my crazy toddler princess or her whirlwind brother, and then I've just never got around to hitting 'publish post'.
But they're both tucked up in bed, the rest of the family are dispersed around the house, and I've found some quiet time to type. I'm all cried out, no more tears left - so there's no threat of a flood! So here goes.
I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep typing on my blog. I'm not sure there are many people reading it anyway, but it's kinda nice for myself just to get things down. A little bit like a diary.
Sorry, I digress.
I have news. It's not good news. So I'll just hit y'all with it - it's in my brain now. My bone cancer has gone from bone, to lung, to lymph node, to brain. Not necessarily in that order, of course - but it's slowly but surely working its way through my body.
I've got the headaches, I've got the dizziness, I've had the nausea and the actual throwing up. I've lost a lot of feeling down my right-hand side and have currently given up on even trying to walk. I've started to get slight blurring of vision, which adds to the headaches. I'm good for nothing most mornings until the pain in my head has eased and, on some days, the sickness has passed. Last time I was throwing up in the mornings it was because I was pregnant!
I'm getting frustrated with myself now. I'm bored of not being able to respond to "how are you?" with "I'm great, thanks, how are you?". Well, I could - but I'd be lying. I'm boring myself to tears with all my ailments and aches and pains. My little step-son is so confused about why mummy can't sit on the carpet for too long and play cars with him. He cries when I have to be lifted back up to the sofa - he wants to play some more, and so does mummy! It's not fair that I can't.
But on the other hand, he loves playing doctor. He's so sweet and caring, rubbing my fuzzy head when I'm crying in pain and bringing me a blanket when I fall asleep in the evenings, as I often do. There have been numerous times now that I've woken up with a glo-worm teddy pushed up against my chest thanks to him. I'm so lucky to have such a caring little man.
My little lady is younger than her brother and doesn't understand the same, but she's caring in her own way. Her hugs with mummy always last that little bit longer, and not always because I'm clinging onto her! I'm terrified that each hug will be my last one with her. I so dearly want her to remember how my arms feel around her, but I'm not sure she will... not when the last doctor I saw was predicting I have only 4-6 months left with my family.
Since getting this news, I've been trying to spend some time writing for the children. But where do you start? "Mummy loves you" - yes, of course I've written that. "Mummy is so proud of you" - goes without saying, but it's been written. "Mummy didn't want to leave you" - I'm making sure that's written into almost every line. But how do you even begin to tell your children what they mean to you? How can you make your own flesh and blood (or not, in my step-son's case, but might as well be) understand the intense feelings you have for them, and have had since the day they were born? There's just no way. I've done what I've been able to though.
And, of course, I have started other letters. For my dad I could write a book, but I've started with a few notes. Baby girl's daddy - that's been a tough one to write. It's done though. His is the only one that's complete. There's one that's been fairly easy to begin, but I'm not sure how it's going to end. The reason it's been so easy to begin, is because the start of it isn't much different to things I tell this person every day. And I know how it should end, but it's not easy. I'll get that one finished though, it's important.
I have a few other writings to begin, one or two more "in the pipeline", and one that breaks my heart... when I imagine him reading it... it's just brought tears to my eyes just thinking about him. My family and closest friends have done more for me than I ever could have asked, but this one particular person... I can't even begin to explain all of the sacrifices he's made for me. It's quite amazing. I find it embarrassing and humbling, all at the same time. I'm so thankful... I don't think I can ever repay him. I hope he understands what he means to me.
Anyway, I think I'm rambling quite a bit. I meant to tell you about the next step with treatment and how they're going to try to extend the predicted 4-6 months, but I'm tired now and this has taken me long enough to write. I'll have to come back another time and fill you all in.
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