Sabbatical: to take a rest from work

You can call me cynical, but I think some of my friends and family may be taking advantage of this "Emmy has cancer" thing. Here's why...

Firstly, when I was in hospital having an "episode" a few months ago, my dad's partner handed her notice in at work with immediate effect. Apparently it was so that she could be around to look after my dad and me, but I have my doubts.

Then, my dad has really cut back on his writing work. Apparently he has his hands full running me around for hospital visits and generally keeping an eye on me.

Even my step-son has been trying to blag days off from nursery to "seep wick mummy" (ie, sleep with mummy). He's already learning how to be a slacker!

And then, J - well, he's pushed the playing the cancer card to a whole new level! He's taking a two-month sabbatical from work. Talk about milking it!

I hope you know I'm joking... I appreciate all of the sacrifices my family are making for me more than I could ever express. I get a bit uncomfortable talking about it as they've all done so much for me and I could never repay them. I'm humbled by it, to be honest.

J's two-month sabbatical started last week, and I already don't know what I'm going to do when it's over and he has to go back to work. He's had to agree to work right through Christmas to be allowed this time off - I hope he understands how much this means to me.

We're already trying to make the most of it. Yesterday, he and I found a baby singing and music group and signed up for it (with baby girl, of course). And now I'm off my treatment (for the time being) we're going to take Mini Me swimming as soon as I'm feeling up to it! Swimming was one of the things I was most looking forward to doing with my daughter, and I haven't been able to do it yet, so I can't wait!

Plus, my dad has booked a cottage on the Norfolk Coast so we're off there for a holiday. My baby girl's first holiday!

We have two months to make the most of. I know it's going to fly by, and I'm dreading December... but I'm quite excited about all our plans.

But... I don't want any of my other friends thinking they can use my cancer card to gain a free holiday - it's my cancer and I'm using it for all its worth, but that doesn't mean that y'all can!

Poorly Princess

My little princess is a poorly girl today. She's had a cold threatening for a while, but today it's out in full force. Bless her heart, she's quite a drama queen, throwing herself on the floor and coughing like an old man.

I blame the parents.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want my baby girl to be poorly, not one bit. But when she is, it gives me the chance to concentrate on her. And everyone else to concentrate on her. My dad asks "how's monkey feeling?" rather than "how are you?".

That might sound selfish and diva-like, not wanting people to ask after me all the time. I know they care, but it can get a bit repetitive and it frustrates me. My little monkey needs a bit more care and attention than I need at the moment, and that's fine by me.

I've drizzled her in Calpol and put a little spray up her button nose to help her breathe, and now we're settling down under our blankets to watch Finding Nemo.

The photo of her, by the way, is from her birthday a couple of weeks ago. I don't remember it properly since I had a bit of an "episode" that evening, but she looked beautiful... always does!

We miss you

Shoes, shoes, wonderful shoes

I think almost everything concerning cancer is nasty, but there are some real horrors out there. Just been briefly discussing this one with a friend and it made me want to write a little note about it...

Shoes.

All girls like shoes. End of. All of us. Those that say "I'm not a typical girl, I don't like shoes..." They're lying. Fact.

Since getting the tumour on my pelvis, my movement has been fairly limited. I use crutches for getting around the house and short walks, but have to be pushed around in a wheelchair the rest of the time.

Apart from being quite restricted with speed (on the crutches) and feeling like a lazy bones (in the chair), oh and the constant pain, the most heartbreaking thing about all this is not being able to totter around in my heels!

I'm a shoe queen. Think Carrie Bradshaw, and you're about there. There were several boxes of heels, boots and wedges when I moved into my dad's house last year. I've had to put most into the loft (at my dad's request), but I still manage to wear most of the ones I saved. My friends laugh at me for wearing my nicest boots - knee-high, high heel - when I'm out in the chair, but I'm not wearing fluffy slippers all the time just because I'm sitting!

In fact, because I'm not walking I can wear shoes that would usually hurt my feet. We've all got them!

There's no place like home

It doesn't matter what or where your home is, sometimes there is just nowhere you would rather be. I used to think that it didn't matter where I was, as long as I was with my family and friends then I would feel like I was at home.

Recently, I've come to realise that that's simply not true.

During numerous hospital visits and stays, despite always having someone that I love around me I've never felt like I'm in my special place... my home.

This weekend I talked quite openly to my dad. No one knows for sure how long I have - they've guesstimated so far, but until I start treatment and they check to see how I've responded, they can't really take an educated guess. And, because of that, there were and are a few things I feel I need to talk to people about sooner rather than later.

My main concern through everything is my daughter. Her daddy, my dad and his partner, and my friends have always worked so hard together to make sure my little Tinkerbell is cared for, loved, looked after... even when her mummy can't do it. I've no doubt in my mind that after I'm gone she will be happy, healthy and safe.

One thing that has been on my mind for only the last couple of days, is how and where I'll be in my last days. At the moment, I feel like I want to be at home. I need to know that my dad is going to be by my side. He's looked after me my whole life, and I want him to see that I go safely... and he'll need to know that I'm peaceful and ok.

I don't know if it's the right thing for my baby girl to be around me at the end. I think possibly not. I know her daddy will want to be with me, but I'm not sure he could handle it. I love him to pieces and he's as strong as an ox when he wants to be, but he's so gentle and sensitive - seeing me go would either help him, or damage him for life.

There are other special people, and I'm still to give some thought to them... what they can handle, what is best for them, what they're capable of doing due to circumstances...

My dad has told me I am thinking of everyone else too much, but I need to do that to keep my mind from dwelling on my woes all the time.

Panda.

And I miss you

I feel terrible today. I'm very teary and emotional. I think reality is starting to dawn on me.

My friends are going to miss me, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Every day this week, J has come home from work and told me "I missed you today". It's because he was almost constantly by my bed while I was in hospital having a little fight with life the other week. It's because he's soppy. It's because he's a big girl!

But it's made me think - if you miss me for ten hours while you're at work, how's it going to be when I go? I hope that J lives on for many, many years after me... so is he going to miss me for all those years? All those decades? Are all my friends?

My baby girl is young enough that if I was to go now, she wouldn't remember me. Sometimes I try to push her towards her dad, make her be a daddy's girl. She and I are very close because we spend all day together. The few times I've been in hospital, she's cried for me at home. There's going to be a time when she cries for me, but her tears aren't going to bring me home.

My dad and I have been very close for the past six or seven years, and even more so since I moved back home when I became a mum. Now he's a full-time dad and grandpa, but he's going to notice me going ever more.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Probably nothing.

I hate that I'm going to be hurting so many people because of something that I have no control over.

I wonder if I'll be missing them all afterward. I wonder if I'll know.

To my dear friends

I need you to understand a few things... and I'll start with the most important point:

What I find most heartbreaking about all of this, is how much it's hurting my family and friends. And my friends who *are* my family. You can't begin to imagine how guilty I feel for what you're going through. I want to say sorry, but I know none of you will have it. "It's not your fault," y'all say. I know that... but it's because of something that's happening to me that you're in this situation at all.

Having said that, I am so appreciative for what my closest friends are doing for me. I'm not going to start listing people because you know... I couldn't do this without you all. I'm so glad we're all so close - you'll have each other to lean on after I've gone. I know you'll all be there to look after my dad and my baby girl and her daddy. I know how much you all love each other, and you'll all be ok.

I don't want to wish that my friends could understand how I feel, because that would be like wishing them in my position. And I never, ever want that. I do need to try to explain my moods though...

My closest friends will be more than aware that I am like a yo-yo at the moment. A couple of days ago I shut off - I know that, I was awful. I literally didn't say a word to anyone. I just needed some thinking time. I don't know what I was thinking, but my brain and mind were tired and I couldn't find my voice. That's ok, it doesn't mean I'm thinking of falling off the face of the planet or anything... I just needed some quiet.

Then the other night, I wanted everyone around me. I know y'all don't "get" how I can swing between the two conflicting feelings so rapidly, and I haven't quite got the hang of it, but you just have to bear with me until I find a way to "be" with all this.

Just because I'm crying, it doesn't mean I want a cuddle. And just because I'm smiling, doesn't mean I don't need a hug. Please don't be afraid to communicate with me. Please don't treat me any different... I'm still Emmy. If you need to ask how to be around me on a particular day, then ask. I'll tell you. You know I'm not one to keep quiet and not say what I want.

Don't be scared that you're going to offend me... yes, I'm a bit delicate and sensitive at the moment, but if you say something that you deem to be stupid, I won't hold it against you. I might be upset for a while, but I'll get over it. I don't know what to say myself, so I don't expect that anyone else will.

One thing I keep saying to people - there is no guidebook about how to cope with terminal cancer (there, I said it)... there are no rights and no wrongs... we have to figure it out as we go along.

Don't let me offend you either. Feel free to put me in my place. I might shout back at you, but we'll be ok... just ask Josh, we've shouted at each other a bit this week, but I still love him, we're still friends, we just needed to get some frustration out. He's not tiptoeing around me, and neither should you... if you need to tell me you're hurting, or you're angry, or you're happy... tell me. Please. I'll let you know if it's the wrong time to talk to me...

I think I may have babbled enough for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're in this together... you, me, everyone...

Hello...

I know a few people are reading this now, and I'm not sure yet how I feel about that.

I was going to start a blog months ago. Someone recommended that it might be a good thing for me to do so I can look back in years to come, even show it to my daughter when she's grown.

But now I don't have years to come, so I'm not doing it for that purpose. Though I suppose Mini Me could still see it.

I think my main purpose for this blog is to allow me to go "blah". Sometimes I want to be on my own, but I also want to talk or express things. I've heard that talking to yourself is a sign of insanity, and I'm trying to avoid looking more mental than I already do with my bald head and protruding tubes... so that's why the blog.

And now some of my friends are reading. So you're seeing inside my head. You're getting a snapshot of how I'm feeling at the particular time I was typing.

Don't assume that if I write a sad or angry post, that that's how I'll feel the next time you see me. But don't assume that if I sound upbeat I'll be feeling as chirpy later that same day.

I'm a ball of complications and contradictions at the moment. I'm sorry, to my friends. I can't even begin to explain.

I can see this leading to an open letter... "things to tell my friends". I think that could go some way to helping y'all understand me a bit better.

Yes, that's what I'll do.

Just one thing I wanted to say - G, I know you're reading... for goodness sake, we all know you and K are back together, you can stop hiding it! ;)

I got the news I didn't want.

I'm not going to see my baby girl start school. I'm going to miss her parents' evenings, her school plays, her sports days, her school reports.

All those holidays we'll never get to have together. All the trips to the park, the zoo, the shops... anywhere.

I'm not going to be there to offer advice when she gets her first boyfriend. She'll never share with me all her secret crushes. I won't be there for her to bring a boy home to "meet the parents".

I won't be able to miss her when she goes away to university. Instead, she'll be missing her mum before she knows what university is.

I won't be able to hear the news "I'm getting married!".

I'll never wear a wedding dress myself, let alone see my daughter in one.

At the moment, I can't put into words what's happening, or about to happen. I've run out of words.

And I've no idea how I'm feeling.

I can't think let alone articulate my feelings.