And I miss you

I feel terrible today. I'm very teary and emotional. I think reality is starting to dawn on me.

My friends are going to miss me, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Every day this week, J has come home from work and told me "I missed you today". It's because he was almost constantly by my bed while I was in hospital having a little fight with life the other week. It's because he's soppy. It's because he's a big girl!

But it's made me think - if you miss me for ten hours while you're at work, how's it going to be when I go? I hope that J lives on for many, many years after me... so is he going to miss me for all those years? All those decades? Are all my friends?

My baby girl is young enough that if I was to go now, she wouldn't remember me. Sometimes I try to push her towards her dad, make her be a daddy's girl. She and I are very close because we spend all day together. The few times I've been in hospital, she's cried for me at home. There's going to be a time when she cries for me, but her tears aren't going to bring me home.

My dad and I have been very close for the past six or seven years, and even more so since I moved back home when I became a mum. Now he's a full-time dad and grandpa, but he's going to notice me going ever more.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Probably nothing.

I hate that I'm going to be hurting so many people because of something that I have no control over.

I wonder if I'll be missing them all afterward. I wonder if I'll know.