To my dear friends

I need you to understand a few things... and I'll start with the most important point:

What I find most heartbreaking about all of this, is how much it's hurting my family and friends. And my friends who *are* my family. You can't begin to imagine how guilty I feel for what you're going through. I want to say sorry, but I know none of you will have it. "It's not your fault," y'all say. I know that... but it's because of something that's happening to me that you're in this situation at all.

Having said that, I am so appreciative for what my closest friends are doing for me. I'm not going to start listing people because you know... I couldn't do this without you all. I'm so glad we're all so close - you'll have each other to lean on after I've gone. I know you'll all be there to look after my dad and my baby girl and her daddy. I know how much you all love each other, and you'll all be ok.

I don't want to wish that my friends could understand how I feel, because that would be like wishing them in my position. And I never, ever want that. I do need to try to explain my moods though...

My closest friends will be more than aware that I am like a yo-yo at the moment. A couple of days ago I shut off - I know that, I was awful. I literally didn't say a word to anyone. I just needed some thinking time. I don't know what I was thinking, but my brain and mind were tired and I couldn't find my voice. That's ok, it doesn't mean I'm thinking of falling off the face of the planet or anything... I just needed some quiet.

Then the other night, I wanted everyone around me. I know y'all don't "get" how I can swing between the two conflicting feelings so rapidly, and I haven't quite got the hang of it, but you just have to bear with me until I find a way to "be" with all this.

Just because I'm crying, it doesn't mean I want a cuddle. And just because I'm smiling, doesn't mean I don't need a hug. Please don't be afraid to communicate with me. Please don't treat me any different... I'm still Emmy. If you need to ask how to be around me on a particular day, then ask. I'll tell you. You know I'm not one to keep quiet and not say what I want.

Don't be scared that you're going to offend me... yes, I'm a bit delicate and sensitive at the moment, but if you say something that you deem to be stupid, I won't hold it against you. I might be upset for a while, but I'll get over it. I don't know what to say myself, so I don't expect that anyone else will.

One thing I keep saying to people - there is no guidebook about how to cope with terminal cancer (there, I said it)... there are no rights and no wrongs... we have to figure it out as we go along.

Don't let me offend you either. Feel free to put me in my place. I might shout back at you, but we'll be ok... just ask Josh, we've shouted at each other a bit this week, but I still love him, we're still friends, we just needed to get some frustration out. He's not tiptoeing around me, and neither should you... if you need to tell me you're hurting, or you're angry, or you're happy... tell me. Please. I'll let you know if it's the wrong time to talk to me...

I think I may have babbled enough for now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're in this together... you, me, everyone...