There's no place like home

It doesn't matter what or where your home is, sometimes there is just nowhere you would rather be. I used to think that it didn't matter where I was, as long as I was with my family and friends then I would feel like I was at home.

Recently, I've come to realise that that's simply not true.

During numerous hospital visits and stays, despite always having someone that I love around me I've never felt like I'm in my special place... my home.

This weekend I talked quite openly to my dad. No one knows for sure how long I have - they've guesstimated so far, but until I start treatment and they check to see how I've responded, they can't really take an educated guess. And, because of that, there were and are a few things I feel I need to talk to people about sooner rather than later.

My main concern through everything is my daughter. Her daddy, my dad and his partner, and my friends have always worked so hard together to make sure my little Tinkerbell is cared for, loved, looked after... even when her mummy can't do it. I've no doubt in my mind that after I'm gone she will be happy, healthy and safe.

One thing that has been on my mind for only the last couple of days, is how and where I'll be in my last days. At the moment, I feel like I want to be at home. I need to know that my dad is going to be by my side. He's looked after me my whole life, and I want him to see that I go safely... and he'll need to know that I'm peaceful and ok.

I don't know if it's the right thing for my baby girl to be around me at the end. I think possibly not. I know her daddy will want to be with me, but I'm not sure he could handle it. I love him to pieces and he's as strong as an ox when he wants to be, but he's so gentle and sensitive - seeing me go would either help him, or damage him for life.

There are other special people, and I'm still to give some thought to them... what they can handle, what is best for them, what they're capable of doing due to circumstances...

My dad has told me I am thinking of everyone else too much, but I need to do that to keep my mind from dwelling on my woes all the time.